Mother’s Day 2021

Another Mother’s Day has come and gone.

My, how time flies!

My apologies for taking so long to get this post up. I’ve been busy preparing things for OurFTDJourney…more to come on that very soon!

Anyway, Mother’s Day was alright. Mom didn’t know what day it was. She doesn’t know what any day is.

Or…

Maybe she had some kind of idea.

What I mean is, I came out of my room and said, “Hiiiiii”, and she said, “Heeeeey!”

WOW!

It’s the little things that matter. It made me smile.

Isn’t it funny how over time even the smallest gestures or attempts to communicate matter more and more?

It seems there comes a time when we automatically realize, we have to consistently lower the bar.

It’s a sad revelation.

Mother’s Day often seems to bring up a lot of feelings in me.

You know…that emotional roller coaster. Much like I described in a previous post, Dementia & The Emotional Roller Coaster.

For example, as mom progresses, I realize more and more what we will miss out on together.

My mom had me when she was 19. There was supposed to be more time for our journey together.

If I decide to get married some day, she was supposed to be there. When I have (or adopt) my kids, she is supposed to be there.

She’s supposed to be there for motherly advice. To teach me how to give the first bath. To come stay with me a couple of weeks or a month to help me adjust to a new baby. To help me learn to properly nurse. She was supposed to be there to give me the motherly advice most mom’s give their daughter’s when they have a baby.

She was supposed to be there to do things with my kids. She was supposed to help me encourage their interests. She was supposed to be there to help me teach them to explore new interests.My mom was supposed to be there to babysit, swoon over my children…to take them on fun trips, etc…She was just supposed to be there.

I feel like me and the children I don’t even have yet, have been robbed. It just seems so unfair.

I’m thankful she is still here.

If I manage to start my family while she is still alive, I will be thankful. But, it will be bittersweet. She won’t be able to enjoy them. I won’t be able to experience her joy over them.

One of my mom’s biggest dreams was to be a grandma. We were robbed.

My mom will never get to see our dream of dementia activism and advocacy grow.

She has no idea I have continued with this dream of hers to educate and advocate.

I tell her. Believe me, I tell her.

I wish dementia hadn’t taken so much of my mom. I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could cure her. I wish dementia never existed. I hope a cure for FTD could come quickly and all of our loved ones could instantly be cured, and that we would never have to speak of it again.

Alas, here we are.

For breakfast, I gave mom her typical yogurt for her pre-breakfast. Then I followed up with our typical pancake, egg, and bacon breakfast.

My mom loves her Saturday breakfasts.

I’m thankful she still loves to eat. I’m thankful I get to sit and feed her. It’s a bonding time for us. I love to interact with her.

Our first business of the day is to get those headphones on her or her day is just off. Music is everything to her (and me).

Sometimes I wish, instead of feeding her, we were sitting together feeding a baby and talking. Instead, I’m feeding my mom like a baby.

Don’t get it wrong, though. My mom is more than a shell of a person and she still communicates what she wants and likes quite well. Still, I miss her. I miss her so much.

While I’m thankful to have had another Mother’s Day with mom, I recognize next year, my anticipatory grief can, instead, be physical death grief. So I try to focus on the positive that she is still here. Yet, I know the final nail in the coffin (so to speak) isn’t far down the road.

Mother’s Day brings up so much in me.

I’m just not sure any words I have expressed about the emotional roller coaster truly suffice. One can only understand if they are there or have been there, I suppose.

How was your Mother’s Day?

What did you do for or with your mother?

Share in the comment section, I’d love to hear it!🙂

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