What to NOT say to me, When my Mom Dies!
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- Let’s face it, death is a fact of life. WE WILL ALL DIE! Whether we die in utero, shortly after birth, in an accident, some kind of disease, or in our sleep at old age, we will all die. There’s just no getting around this, no matter how hard we may try. No matter how uncomfortable that may make you feel. It’s a part of life!
Here’s what I don’t understand, though…
Why do people make such stupid statements, when a loved one is lost? What ever happened to saying to someone, “I’m sorry for your loss?”, “I’m here if/when you need me.” Why do we always feel the need to say anything?
One of the greatest lessons I learned not too long ago is to be present. Just be there. In fact, that seems to be the theme for my life these days.
Anyway, here’s a list of things NOT to say to me when my mother dies:
I thought she was sick! Why are you so upset?
If I have to explain, I don’t want to know you anymore.
We don’t know God’s plan!
Wait… What?
So, you’re telling me the God I believe in, love & serve, possibly had a plan to take out my mother through complications related to dementia? Are you kidding me? What’s comforting about that? Are you trying to piss me off?
That’s some sick and twisted thinking. Get outta here with that.
At least she’s not suffering anymore!
True. She’s not. But, now I am. Does that matter?
People act like grief is selfish. It’s not! It’s an expression of how much you loved that person you lost.
You should be (I bet you’re) relieved!
I should be relieved about what? That my mother is gone? That she died of a young age? That I’ll never get to see or speak with her again? That she won’t get to see, hear or know her future grandchildren?
She’s better off!
And who are YOU to say what is better for her and I?
I know it’s better for her not to suffer. But, it takes a stupid person to make such an insensitive statement.
Now you’ve got your life back!
Yeah. Don’t. Just don’t.
I mean, sure, it’s true. After X amount of years (mom is still here, so no figure for that yet), I have my life back.
Or DO I?
Because, now I have to readjust my life to being a civilian in the world again. I have to figure out how to readjust to NOT being busy.
I have to adjust to not thinking about someone else’s needs before myself. I have to adjust to quiet. And sleeping will likely be an issue, too.
But, you’re right. I’ve got my life back.
So what are you gonna do now that’s she’s gone?
Can I first work through my grief before I decide? Can I learn what it means to live again? Can I learn what it means to not have to be selfless day in & day out, again? Can I possibly put myself through therapy if I need to? Can I just be?
You should move on with your life!
How about YOU move on?
I have no time for that kind of negatively, in my life. And I’ll be more than happy to show you the door.
If that’s you’re opinion of my grief and loss, keep it moving.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!
NO! YOU DON’T! YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY!
Unless you have lived through this battle called dementia and have lost a loved one to this disease, you have no clue!
And even then, you still don’t. Grief is an individual and personal thing. So, please just don’t go there.
I lost my grandmother/grandfather to this disease…
Was your grandma or grandpa young? If so, let’s talk. If not, that’s probably not appropriate at this moment.
It was her time!
And you determined that how?
My mother had huge plans for the future. She wanted to love and dote on future grandchildren. She wanted take them on trips, introduce them to music (like she did me) and watch them grow into fine adults.
But, you’re right. She’s better off where she is and not enjoying life with family, a healthy mind and body.
God took her home!
Well, yes. Yes, he did. But, I’d be more excited if she here, home with me. Enjoying her life. And living out her dreams.
He spared her from worse suffering!
Yes. But, now I’m suffering. And I’ll never be the same again.
Call me if you need me!
Sounds nice in theory. But, the truth is, I’m not going to call you. And if you know me well enough… If we are close, I shouldn’t have to call you.
Give me my space for a short spell and come by to make sure I’m okay. Talk to me about my mom. Make sure I’m sleeping well. Let’s go for a drive! Sit with me. Do I have food in my fridge? Am I eating? Am I majorly depressed? If you know me well enough, those things will be easy answers.
God needed an angel!
Please, please, please, don’t!!
Time heals (all pain!!)!
If that were true, there wouldn’t be so many broken people in this world.
God only takes the best!
Last I checked, we’re all gonna die. He takes the good and bad equally. Not only are those words not comforting, but, they’re ridiculous.
Your mother wouldn’t want you to grieve like this…
Sooooo… I’m wondering if people who say this truly understand grief?
Grief comes about after losing someone you love deeply, no matter who they were. Would you say this if the shoe were on the other foot and my mom lost me? I’m guessing the people who would say this would. But, I find a statement like this highly insensitive.
Maybe she wouldn’t want me to grieve deeply for her. But, guess what? She’s my mother and I don’t get another. We have a very deep spiritual connection. True, the spiritual bond didn’t die because she did. But, still…
She’ll always be with you…
I know this…she will always be with me on a spiritual level. But, it’s not the spiritual aspect of people we miss, it’s the physical.
It’s the fact that, one day, I’ll never get to see her again. Hug her. Speak to her, etc…
Look, I’m not trying to sound overly sensitive. But, can we be more thoughtful with our words?
So many people feel so uncomfortable with silence. And I don’t understand why! Not knowing what to say is okay! You don’t have to fill every second of empty space with words.
Offer a hug to someone grieving (if they are open to that). Offer your ears. Offer your shoulders to cry on. JUST BE PRESENT.
If you don’t know what to say, say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” A grieving person will appreciate that more than anything else you might say, because you’re uncomfortable.
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Dear Candace, my heart goes out to you as much as it goes to mine. I found my mother unconscious and we got her at nick of time to be saved. She fought for her life whilst preparations were made for her funeral. Suddenly to take charge of her well being has been a roller coaster of emotions and insensitive remarks are not welcomed. There’s a sense of relief that she is alive amidst the sadness that she has a long road of recovery. Yet their is the sense of calm and appreciation of miracle to be able to be there for her and tend to her needs. I am reaching out to you as when I read your blog, I don’t feel alone in caring for my mother. I feel alone when I am made to feel insignificant in her life by other people. Yet I am the one who saved her life and is the main person to call for consents for any hospital procedure. I have arrived at deciding that I matter most and she depends a lot on me from now on. The others are only at the sidelines. Those who contribute and assist are very welcomed and very much appreciated. Thank you for being open with your feelings. I can relate yet. I can only understand that there is some sense of comfort in being able to just be there for our mothers and trying our very best for them under the circumstances with whatever it takes.
Rozita,
Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful comment.
Caregiving is most definitely a roller coaster ride. But, much like yourself, I’m thankful to be able to care for my mother. The roller coaster is totally worth it. Because she’s worth it. And the truth is, when she does pass, I won’t have the regret of “I should have been there”, because I am here.
Thanks so much for reading my blog. I hope you’ll visit again soon, as I post more. And please share it with anyone you believe will benefit from it. And if you’d like, please follow.
Have a great day and thanks again for your comment. 🙂
Wow, I thought I was bitter, this article makes you sound angry and big time bitter! If your mom is still alive how do you know what not to say to you when your mom dies? I have lost a parent and now am helping take care of my mom who has Alz. And I can honestly say I’ve said some of those things, or at least thought them in my head! And I’ve had some said to me. I certainly didn’t tell friends to get lost!
Had a friend who lost her son, I can’t pretend to even start to know what that feels like, but wanted to offer my condolences by bringing food to her and her visiting family., too maybe help life at the moment be easier. I called her often but not what I thought was too often. She never returned my calls. I texted her because she wouldn’t take my calls, offered walks,, brought her a thinking of you treat or coffee. Not a word from her. Gave up after about 6 months. Reconnected every few months after that with a text to make sure she was alright. I really thought I did something wrong but couldn’t imagine what?! We lost our connection for almost 2 years before she allowed me back into her life.
Have had other friend who lost mom and dad within a couple months of each other. Afraid to do too much for fear I’d loose her as friend. But did go to their celebrations of life to show I cared. And told her to call me if she needed anything. She called and I helped her.
So I don’t know that you can truly know what to expect out of people after a loved ones dies.
Like you said in your article , everyone reacts differently. But when people say things they really are trying to help and that makes them a friend in my book.
I’m definitely not bitter. But, you’re certainly entitled to your opinion.
Thanks for your comment! 🙂
My mom had Alzheimer’s. She lived about 13 years after diagnosis. The last 6 were in my home. I think the article speaks more to caregivers doing the long haul. It’s a complete game changer when you are a 24/7 caregiver in your home. People think if they say something nice it makes them a nice person. It just isn’t the case. To get a better idea of others thoughts I would suggest you reach out to the friend you mentioned in your comment. Point blank ask her why she became distant. We need to nourish our friendships and something obviously was a miss for your friend. As to calling a complete stranger bitter I wonder why you would lash out in such a manner. That’s definitely not being nice or kind. As you continue your journey caring for your mom I hope you find nothing but support and encouragement. If you haven’t found a support group I recommend you do so. Support is key in caregiving.
Thanks, Melissa.
Your comment is very appreciated! 🙂
Great article. Your insight is very helpful. Thanks
Thank you! 🙂