What TO Say to Me, When My Mom Dies!

In light of my previous post (What NOT to Say to Me when My mom Dies!), I wanted to share some things I hope people would say to me.

And look, let me be upfront and say, I’ve stupidly said one or two of those things. Not all of them. Some, I’d never dare say. Sometimes, we get caught up in the moment. It happens. But, let’s try to be more thoughtful.

With that said, here we go:

I’m sorry for your loss!

I know this tends to be the default go to. But, as long as you’re sincere I don’t think it’s a statement I would reject.

I’m here for you!

Only say it if you mean it. Because, if/when I do need you, I’ll be expecting you to live up to that.

You’re not alone!

Caregiving is tough enough. And chances are we’ve walked the journey alone. More than anything now, we need to feel supported.

Take all the time you need!

There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re being rushed through the process of grief. If caregiving has taught me anything, it’s that grief is a marathon, not a race.

See, we’ve been grieving the daily loss of our loved ones since diagnosis (or before). The physical death is the final nail in the coffin (so to speak).

Now, our grief has transformed. Now, it’s final and depending on how long your loved one has been living with this awful disease, we could be talking decades of grief. And then, add in the finality of the physical death; that doesn’t go away overnight.

NOTHING!

Sometimes, words just aren’t needed. If I know you, I know your heart. Just come sit with me. Even a hug might do just fine. Just be there.

I wish I had words of comfort…

The truth is, no matter what you say or do, it won’t change the circumstances. It just won’t. And it’s okay, not to have the correct words.

The fact that you care enough to try and are just there, will mean more to me than just empty rehearsed words.

I can feel the love you had for your mother…

Absolutely. Love never dies.

I know. Some people probably think I’m being nit picky with these two posts. And maybe I am. It’s just that I would love for us to be more considerate of one another. More considerate of one another’s pain. We need to learn to be less dismissive with each others pain and be more present.

If nothing else, when my mom dies, all I want more than anything is for people to be present for me. Show up! Use words only if they are necessary. If they aren’t, then be okay with that and just be there. That’s all. Just be there.