Yesterday, my mom was extremely lethargic and weak. She was eating even slower than usual. I had to wake up during breakfast and lightly tap and rub her face to prompt her to chew and swallow. I’d never seen her so weak. She could barely stand without staggering.

I decided, breakfast was finished, until I could get her to be more alert. She ate her oatmeal. That was good. But, the rest…I decided was too much for someone who was barely chewing and swallowing.

Oatmeal with Yogurt and Fruit

Fear of Choking

My fear then was her aspirating (or choking on her food and causing pneumonia). That is the last thing I need in this situation.

I was so afraid, I nearly called my grandmother to tell her to get ready, I’m coming for her and pack for a couple of days, I think mom is ready to take on her new spiritual form. It was so scary.

I thought, how do I tell my grandmother? What do I tell her?

Mom was sleeping with her mouth wider open than I am used to seeing. For the first time, I saw her drooling.

Fatigued, Open Mouth

Fatigue

I realized, too.. she hadn’t slept well for a couple of days and it could be that she was extremely fatigued. Why wouldn’t she be?

So, I decided to wait it out and see, if it was just fatigue. No point in upsetting an 85 year old woman for a false alarm. I also feared being wrong and being blamed for being wrong. But, intuition said, “wait it out.”

As day turned into evening, she perked up. This was an excellent sign! I could stop worrying and crying, now. Mom is okay – this time.

Mom smiling after a long scary day

I decided on giving her an Ativan at bedtime to ensure she would sleep. And it worked. The photo below is today during her “typical” nap.

But, she’s been awake, on and off all day. Singing and talking, eating and enjoying herself. I’m so grateful. And I appreciate her even more today and more and more everyday.

Mom Today

I know my mom will leave this world eventually. But, I have so much more I still would like to experience with her. It just doesn’t seem fair that no matter how hard I try, there are many things she just will never get to experience with me and vice versa.

So many thoughts ran through my mind.

In that moment, I wanted my mommy more than ever before. In that moment, I wanted to collapse on the floor and cry my eyes out. In that moment, I was so confused and wanted someone to just console me.

There were people around me. No one consoling, though.

I’m no doctor or nurse. I’ve never seen this before.

Feelings

The emotions I expressed probably sound a bit bipolar and extreme. After all, I went through all of this using calm and my intuition. But, on the inside, I was screaming and crying.

One thing I did know is, she wasn’t preparing to leave, in that very moment. I needed to get out for about a half hour. So, I did.

I streamed in the morning and afternoon on Facebook. My real time friends and others were comforting. That was helpful.

Mom was the same when I got back. It took several hours of watching and worrying for her to get back to “normal.”

I’m so thankful. But, I also know this won’t be the last scare. Just like I know dementia or not, she will one day die. That, I will need to eventually come to terms with. I just wish it wasn’t so soon.