Friend or Foe
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I’m not alone in this journey. Though a lot of days, I think I’d be better off if it were just mom, Bob, me and the aid.
See, my mom has a companion. I moved into her companions house to care for mom, because this has been mom’s home for nearly two decades. And because my mom requested that I be here. Because anytime my mom has needed me, I’ve always been there for her, as she has usually been there for me when I was ill. Except, when we got the diagnosis, we knew that this would be long-term and there would be no recovering from this.
I remember the first conversation I had with my mom’s companion, before I even found out that mom gave her Durable Power of Attorney.
First, I was shocked to have even found that out. That was never what mom and I had agreed to, before she got sick. When she could speak for herself. But, okay. I didn’t fight it
I remember being frantic and saying, “OMG! What am I going to do? How am I going to care for my mom. I gotta get myself more money coming in. I gotta do this. I gotta do that!
Her partner looked at me and said to me, “I’M IN CONTROL! I HAVE THE POWER!”
I couldn’t believe what I just heard. I mean, that part of the conversation could have waited. What I was hoping to hear was, “Candace, it’ll be okay. We’ll get through this together.”
Instantly, I knew we had an issue. And I knew in the moment, I don’t have the money to fight it. I also started to quickly understand, I’m not sure my mom was fully aware of the consequences of that choice.
My gosh, I’m her daughter. How dare you speak to me like that?
Since I knew this was a long term situation and I know my mom has a ton of allergies, and medical attention might be required while she is working all day and night, and it’s just mom and I, I asked her about “sharing” the legal power.
If my name isn’t also on mom’s medical records, I have little say and power in her treatment, and I’m not entitled to certain information.
My only course of action would be have my mom transported to a hospital if something happened and call her companion (whom more often than not doesn’t answer the phone when they are working).
So, where does that leave me? Where does that leave mom?
Well, when I asked about “sharing the power”, I got the same response, “I’M IN CONTROL! I HAVE THE POWER!”
I would try to explain why this is important. Not just for me, but, for mom. But, Mom’s companion wants to hear none of it, and I got told that, REAL QUICK!
Very quickly I learned, a rational conversation with this person can’t be had.
Over the course of the first year, I asked a couple more times. I didn’t want to be stuck needing help for mom and not being able to efficiently help her. Yet, here I am STILL caught between a legal rock and a hard place.
The sad part is my mom’s companion doesn’t seem to care about the consequences of having all the power and me not having the access I need, should I not be able to contact them during the work day.
Immediately, upon entering the house to care for my mom, I became the enemy. But, why
When I came in the first thing I told this person was, “I’m not trying to take anything from you. I just want to take care of my mom, keep her safe and happy. As far as her property, we can go through it when she passes and decide how to split it then. We don’t have to worry about it, now.
And said companion, immediately told me, “okay.”
I thought we had an agreement. I’m not out to get you. I expect you to not be out to get me.
Why does this make me the enemy? Shouldn’t this make me a partner in this? Shouldn’t this make me a friend?
For this person sadly, it’s all about control and power. For me, this is about let’s work together and be friends. Let’s think about mom before ourselves.
Had my mom of known the extreme disrespect I would encounter based on that alone, we would have been out of there. No way she would have tolerated me being spoken to like that had she still had all her faculties.
Something tells me mom fought just for me to even be here. I don’t think her companion ever wanted me here, in the first place. At least, that’s how they’ve made feel from the very beginning.
One can argue, “we’ll, you’ve been there 6 years.” Yes, but certainly not without a fight.
I think it would be easier for the companion for me to be gone so they can do whatever they’d like. And that worries me. Leaving my mom alone with this person for too very long for me isn’t an option. I want to be here to love and enjoy her. And I need to be here to protect her.
I wish things were different and there was more consideration for at least my mom. But, I don’t think she has it in her.
See, mom’s companions job is all about power and control. They don’t seem to be able to turn that off even in their day to day life. Sad for them and even sadder for my mom. It’s been a tough 6 years.
And the saddest part is much of the difficulty hasn’t even been about my mom. I’m not saying caring for her hasn’t come with difficulties some days, but it’s normal dementia related stuff when it’s her. And the moments are fleeting.
But to have to deal with someone who has the legal power, refuses to act like you’re a partner in this, acts like you’re no blood relation to the partner they claim to love, and is set on reminding you about their power on a regular basis, and is determined to hurt and disrespect you, when you’re already in a battle and already hurting… Well, I don’t know what hurts more… 🙁
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